Self Being.
As mothers, as woman, and as human beings we all share a commonality. It’s something that I was never taught. I didn’t read it anywhere until fairly recently when I went searching for it. But it existed all the while. A sense of self.
Raised in a South Asian liberal Muslim home, some of the focuses of my upbringing were how to raise a family, how to care for my husband and children, cook delicious meals, host graciously and socialize respectfully. Taking care of myself, not so much.
My married life has highlighted this, and having kids only further put it under a magnifying glass.
What is self care? In the early days of my married life, I’d scoff when my husband would gingerly encourage me to go out with my new Torontonian girlfriends. I’d almost consider it insulting. After all, my place is in the house, isn’t it? Isn’t that where I should find peace, solace and serenity 24/7. For any cynics who are wondering if this is some form of brainwashing, it’s not. It’s simple old school South Asian upbringing. Trouble is, I don’t live in Karachi, Pakistan (not to say even then it would alright) I was born and raised in North America. As such, I feel an increasing disparity in the traits that I was encouraged to possess and the traits I need to possess.
Entire encyclopedias can be written on the importance of self care. Examples exist all around us. If a caterpillar did not take the time to enrobe itself in a cocoon of the finest silk, it would never flourish into a beautiful butterfly. Precious pearls require time and solitude to form under the protection of their shell. Human beings are similar. We all face moments in our life when we need space and time to grow, to mature, to evolve. For some, it may come as a result of a tragedy, trauma, or difficult life circumstance. For others, it may come naturally. This certainly was not the case for me, not in the beginning anyways. I feel a need to write about this. I feel a need to tell others that it’s okay, it’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with wanting or needing to retreat.
So in the past couple of years, I’ve found myself searching for that one special Guide to Life. You know? The Answer to All your Questions book. Religiosity aside I was disappointed to say the least when I learnt it doesn’t exist. One would think that after several thousands of years of human existence, someone must surely have found the answer? No. Then I thought it must be because I don’t have a mom. Yes. That must be it. It must be that a mother would answer all my life questions, guide me through difficult times and tell me how to live. It’s possible, though not necessarily the case. Then I thought, hey, maybe my parents just didn’t know either. Maybe, this was just as foreign to them as well.
Each person evolves in a way that is unique. I love to social network. As a WFHM (Work From Home Mom), I love to stay connected. I tweet, blog or Facebook throughout the day. It doesn’t have to be excessive but staying connected with others, and staying current with world events is very important to me. I was recently reflecting on this, and realized its helped me develop my self being. As a Mom and a Wife, I’m devoted whole heartedly to my family but that feeling of nurturing myself is just as important. A friend of mine speaks highly of the emergency mask theory. When you fly, before the plane takes off, you are taught how to apply the air mask. It is always emphasized to put on your own mask before you help another; even your own child. Life is no different. If we cannot take care of our own selves, it will inevitably impact our ability to take care of and nurture others.
I’m no pro on this subject matter. A novice at best. What I do know now is that as human beings we all have limits. As a parent without any live-in or regular external assistance, my children will push my limits. That’s their job and I’m okay with that. What I am learning slowly but surely is that in order to attain a level of inner peace and tranquility I cannot and will not let others and their stressors dictate what my limits will be.
It’s important for each of us to have our own happy places. No, I’m not referring to herb induced happy places, but simple things we do for ourselves that allow us to be at peace. For some, it may be playing a competitive sport, for others it may be sipping a latte while reading a book. Stepping out of my South Asian shell I am discovering that it’s okay to take some “me” time. The other day I found myself sitting in a cafe studying for my final exam on a Saturday afternoon. I was amazed and intrigued by the number of people sitting around me, just being. Call it old school or call it sheltered. It’s not what you call it that matters, but what these realizations have done for me. They have given me the green light to step away from cultural expectations, to create my own socially accepted norms and not feel bound by antiquated social ideals. In short, they have allowed be embrace self-being and for that, I am thankful.
